You might have wondered where I’ve been for the past …
(looks at calendar)
… over a month now.
Well, actually, good things have been happening.
I’ve been able to release books, make progress on goals.
I was even randomly picked by the assistant of an actual multi-millionaire (you might even recognize his name) for said rich dude to personally help me learn crypto.
Personally. As in we’ve been messaging regularly.
I’m not joking.
I even got up to ten items on this list!
Now with all this good stuff happening, you would think that I’m feeling pretty good about things.
Instead, I’ve been feeling everything from panic to depression.
(If you default to “what’s wrong with me?”, you probably know exactly what I mean.)
(If you’re not sure why I would react this way, this may not be for you. It’s okay. I’ll see you next time.)
This situation has been really instructive, so much so that I wanted to pause before attempting to write about it, because I wasn’t sure what it all meant or even how to describe it.
I’m in a situation that is legitimately, objectively good. Yet it feels bad.
Not as in a gut feeling sort of bad (we can talk about ignoring gut feelings and why we do that in another post). More feeling bad in an overthinking low-key panic attack sort of way:
this can’t be real
is this a scam
why is he helping me
what does he get out of this
what bad thing is going to happen
etc
I realized that it had nothing whatsoever to do with him, his assistant, or how either of them have interacted with me so far. It had everything to do with me.
And I’m guessing that you have had a similar reaction to good things happening as well.
This is why “positivity” courses and “manifestation” tapes do not seem to work for you. The minute something happens that is actually good, it feels bad.
I’m guessing you’re nodding at this point, wondering why.
Well, I wondered why too, and so I’ve been doing some introspection.
I’m going to get personal here.
My mother was what they call a malignant narcissist. Anything that happened had to be about her. And if it wasn’t, she made it about her.
She was very controlling. She could be very violent. Once, she went after a guy with a baseball bat. She routinely attacked my father. But usually, her violence was verbal.
On my 7th birthday, she was pregnant with triplets.
(multiples run in the family)
So without asking me, she set up the entire back yard as Alice in Wonderland.
Now, I actually did like the story of Alice in Wonderland, so I thought this could be good. Until she forced me to dress up as Alice, invited the newspapers and a lot of people I didn’t know, and forced me to sit in on a bunch of photo shoots showing how she was doing all this while pregnant with triplets.
The story was entirely about her.
That day, I remember feeling so sad, so lost.
It looked fun. But it was pain (hair pulled, being hit for objecting) and fear (who are these people, what will she do next) and not doing anything but sitting there so my outfit would be good for the next photo.
I was seven.
It was my birthday.
Thinking about this experience (and others) has helped me realize why I see objectively “good” things as bad. Because with every “good” thing, there was a price to be paid, somewhere down the line.
Nothing was ever actually just good. It wasn’t always as blatant as the example, but there was always a subtle obligation attached. Strings, if you will.
So after a while, deep down, you didn’t actually want objectively good things to happen. You knew something really bad was coming. Because it always did.
If any of this is resonating, you may need someone to talk with. It’s okay to talk to them.
Anyone you feel safe with will do. Could be a counselor, your religious leader, your local mental health helpline (international and US). They can help with this more than you know.
If you don’t have anyone you feel safe to talk with, try sitting with your feelings. Just sit, and listen to them. Or you can try journaling - on paper, a private blog, or recording your thoughts.
Remember the you that you once were. Think about your life so far. Does anything I’ve mentioned remind you of a similar situation in your life?
If not, that’s okay. But if good feels bad, there’s a reason. See if you can find it.
Mysteries like this can take a lifetime of digging to unearth, but being able to actually feel good when good things happen is well worth it.
Your life can be happy.
It really can come true for you. It really can.